Monday, November 08, 2004

Howard Tells about his Tour

Hello there this is Howard Wayword,

I realize it has been quite a lengthy respite that you've had from my ramblings. That's because I put away my palm pilot for a time and took an opportunity to catch up on travel. I realized that Canada has quite a wealth of little towns and places to see.

I started off my trip in Niagra Falls but it was getting cold and too many malnourished people kept asking me for change for the slot machines. I went to Ottawa and sat in on some parliamentary meetings. Paul Martin kept looking at me entreatingly to finish off his sentences but I did not appreciate this lack of initiative on his part so I simply looked away. I have given him my honest advice over the years and even enjoyed many conversations with his wife but after he disregarded me when I cautioned him against dividing parliament and taking his temper out on Mr. Chretien, we have drifted apart. I wanted to bring in my pitbull to demonstrate the high quality of breeding, but I wisely left it with the dog-sitter. The bloc Quebecois was very sombre and quiet. I didn't see Jean Charest either. The mounties weren't very chatty and the wind was picking up there so I knew that the snow was coming. I thought I should move on.

There wasn't much to report about Cornwall except the lack of corn. The agribionics industry has been developing a new kernel with a unique resistence to termites but since this isn't much of a problem to farmers it hasn't entred the market. I did notice a dandy man with a feather in his hat idly walking the streets, drunk. I told him that octoberfest was over and moved on.

In Montreal I noticed that many people don't speak English the way most people do. I was told over and over that I am so "jenesaisquoi" which I found charming at first but then I came to the point where I enjoyed looking at the young girls with their plentiful display of chest area rather then engaging in a conversation with them that neither of us could understand. When I found myself inside a bar instead of the "Chateaux" that was advertised on the sign, a small woman started giggling and lifting her skirt at me. Because of her forcefulness, I suffered her futile kisses and senseless talk. I gave her a $20 which I meant to use as a simple gesture of good faith and riddance, I told her to behave but she promptly took it and walked to the another young man and jumped into his lap!

These people are apparently the descendents of France and the Native Indians that once roamed our "native land". Some of them are also the descendents of Englishmen who were seduced by French women at some point and told not to pass their "bastard language" on to their children. I was educated about the fact that Natives don't pay certain taxes in this country and some of them promote a simple way of life, making original artworks and wonderful music. One of them took me for a "workshop" to make a drum which I was quite greatful for. I went to Old Quebec and walked that historic region where Montcalm and Wolfe died so patriotically. In memory of them but moreso to express the feeling working up in my breast, I beat my drum and marched on heartily.

From there I felt quite tired out. I had been traveling for a week or so by then, I thought it was a good time to turn around and head back towards Ontario. A trucker picked me up and drove us back to Kingston while I slept. I woke with some discomfort as this ruffian shook me with his stinky hands. I called him a rogue, gathered my things and left his vehicle. I decided it was better to use public trasportation so I seeked out the mighty greyhound and then went straight to my favorite attraction, Toronto.

The first thing I did in Toronto was debate whether I should go to the green room or the red room. I love colours. I couldn't decide and my shoes were getting worn so I went shopping for boots in the Eaton centre. There are so many people and so many different things happening these days. One might wonder how you play the piano without any hands but I saw it for the first time. A innovative man was performing a jazz-tune with the stumps of his arms. I gave him the thumbs up which is so popular with the youth these days. Back to the boots, I have a feeling that the snow is going to be quite excessive this year so I wanted hightops. A salesperson helped me with a pair of Kodiaks that I found quite smart but I didn't want to get them at half off because I liked the fact that they were hightops. This angred the young woman and she even breached her duty as an aide to the public by insulting me. Ultimately I couldn't meet her conditions so I went over to Athletes World and bought myself a new pair of red converse shoes. This was a diversion to ease my mind but I later realized my rash stupidity. I will eventually need to get some boots. I gave my old shoes to a vagabond but he simply looked me up and down and then spit in them.

I suppose the most exciting thing was running into Tania from E-talk daily on the street. She is a great host and a wonderful reporter on the events of Celebrities and pop icons. Of course she noticed me right away, broke away from her bodyguards and gave me a warm hug. She's interested in doing some exposé on me called "a day in the life of Howard". I of course told her that although I love her as a friend I do not feel comfortable yet being on television shows and speaking directly with the public. I would feel guilty if I were to compete with Madonna and Jude Law for people's attention. I told her: "You know Tania, you are a fine young lady. I admire your zeal and just between you and I you are the only reason why I would ever watch the show, but really, Barrett gives me all the space I need to send my message. If he ever dies, god forbid, I will go on E-talk daily and you can follow me around the country with your cameras. However, I like to speak for myself." She was a little taken aback but I think the girl understands me and realizes I'm not like most celebrities that she comes across. She sensibly replied with a reminder that flatters me much: "Ok, well, you know we all think you're hot." Which I do, so it's no loss.

Now I return to my place of birth, Pickering. On the hill by Dillingham road is where my mother laid down her load. It is in the cemetary nearby where she rests, God bless her and keep her. It is because of her that I can find out about the world and all it's fancies. I will take some time now to think about my trip.

Until next time,
Yours in all senses,

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