Life as a Modest Megalomaniac

It’s a tad off-putting to go into your documents folder and find that you have over fifteen different versions of your resume –functional resumes, chronological resumes, resumes for office Administrative work, Public Relations work, part time, full time, internship and volunteer, none of which are up to date.

I called my mother yesterday to whine and complain about the long and grueling process that is job hunting. Her being an excellent person to whine and complain to is just one of the many reasons why I love her. She rewarded me by asking what the hell I’ve been doing with my time and strongly encouraged me to be more productive.

This morning I went for breakfast at the restaurant where I could have been working full time were it not for scheduling conflicts with my other part time job. My friend, a delightful waitress asked if instead of cooking I’d mind serving. I said sure. They were only hiring full time cooks but perhaps they would be looking for a part time server. She said she would talk to the owner. Although I want to do more than serve people food as my next coveted dream job, if a part time job opened up there, I’d take it.

I sometimes wonder whether there is a certain point in people’s lives when they decide that they are only going to do and get things that are perfectly suited to them. They decide they are no longer going to settle for anything anymore. They acquire zero tolerance for hassle, for wrinkles, for static, for having to walk places etc. Then I try to imagine what life like that would be like and I realize that my dishes would never get cleaned. And people with attitudes like that would be repulsive anyway.

What is my tolerance for rainy, underproductive days?

Most days are decent these days, if only because the weather is so beautiful and the trees smell fantastic.

Even though it’s hard finding a job in my field, I still manage to get inspired in my recreational life. For example, today I watched an interview by Sarah Hampson with one of my favorite poets: the living Canadian Leonard Cohen. My dad used to listen to Leonard Cohen so I was exposed to him from a very young age. Cohen (to paraphrase) was talking about aging and how we might look back and wish we hadn’t done certain things while it seems at the time that the way we’re living is just the way we’re living and we don’t really have a choice anyway because we have this sense of ourselves that we just go with. We are who we are. He quoted himself:

"no pride when the world affirms you, no shame when the world scorns you"

I thought that was pretty profound. On the other hand, all of us get a little caught up in the present -feeling good about ourselves when we’re on top and beating ourselves up when we’re down and out. That is our struggle.

Sometimes at night before falling asleep I come up with wild schemes that are going to make me rich...but I never write them down. In dreams I sometimes feel like I’ve figured everything out, like I have this decisive eureka moment and everything makes sense but then when I wake up I can’t remember what the questions were that I discovered all the answers to.

I think I am starting to sound like a broken record when I say to myself: "It’s about time you find employment that’s related to your education, something that is both challenging and rewarding and will take you places."

Driving by the church the other day, amongst the graffiti, someone had written:
"My bicycle takes me places education never could."

I identified with that. I went on the most glorious wooded trail the other day after getting my inner tube replaced last week.
Aside: I did pay for that inner tube with the money I earned working at a job I could never hold, were it not for my French immersion education).

Playing music is becoming like a full time job except that I don’t get a pay cheque. My band and I practiced for about six hours today. I have blisters on both my index and middle finger from playing the bass. (I usually play guitar but sometimes alternate). We are playing a bunch of blues covers and now the words keep on playing over and over in my head:

"Going down to Dallas. Gonna take my razor and my gun." (Johnny Winter)

I think our music is getting better all of the time. It’s good to do that which you enjoy, even if you don’t get paid for it.

Speaking of guns, at least I can be thankful my job isn’t being a soldier. I watched a documentary about soldiers and the medics treating them in Iraq. I saw them bleeding after being blown up but IED’s. It made me realize that jobs aren’t always out there for our direct enjoyment. Some jobs are just jobs and someone’s got to do them. So the snippet of the quote that they had at the end of the documentary just seemed to sum up everything I’ve been thinking about:

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry." –Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms