Monday, February 27, 2006

Amman Makes Urgent Plea Regarding Howard

Uh oh. Apparently things aren't going so well in Timbuktu. I just got a letter from Amman, who must have found my address amongst Howard's items. He wrote me this message urging me to abduct Howard. The problem is that I'm busy right now.

There's not much I can do from this side of the ocean. I just started my new job. Things just started to get organized in my own life after Howard left. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I don't want to give that up. I can't be flying over to Africa to go babysitting a man almost twice my age! I'm sure it will all pass over. I hope it will anyway, but this is actually kind of funny. Part of me enjoys seeing someone else endure the Howardianism. Is that evil?

(For a full definition of Howardianism, go here)

Dear Mr.Sirbarrett,
You must do something about this Howard. He is making me drive crazy!! Five month now and he is like bird that doesn’t know how to fly. Maybe there is reason why his name is “Wayward” –because he is lost.

I write to you because I know that you know this Howard. He talk about you and say you are his friend and that you are his “poor son”. I know that he has no son but he talk like a freak man. You must know how it is with Howard.

Sometimes he is OK but sometimes he is just like freak. Most times he act like freak. He talk to camels and make them rambilunctious. He wear no clothes in the town here and women run away scary and screamy. The men, they hurt themselves in laughing but then people all excited and it started like mosh pit with them toppling over like grapes. One man almost killed me from squishing then I look up and it is because Howard and because everyone is running away from him, climbing over people like monkey. Then Howard didn’t not even say sorry but he make excuse that “it was his day to be free.” He haves no morals except this “Howardianism” which is like dirty smell.

Last week he teached me poker. He say if he can teach me English, he sure as the hell he can teach me poker. This game I like but with Howard not so much. He never take track of cards, so then it get time to change them but he just sit there waiting until the sky it get dark, then I say to him: “Howard! Turn them! Turn Them!” and he get upset and say “Patience my good man.” I am no man of him! He make me feel not so good. His face, it is just like joker. To make me angry, when I am finished playing a first game, then he is finished playing a second game, so he say: “the first shall be last and the last shall be first” and take all my chip. What do this means? He say it is part of his religion but I can see no silly religion like that. That is like saying “the black shall be white.” When I look at myself and Howard in water, I know I will not be white like him, but in my religion, we do not say those things to someone.

I and Howard have many problem over directions again. When I tell him we are to go to find Maritania he shake his head and say “no, no. I will not.” I say “come on Howard, we just have to go outside Algeria a bit.” He say “no, I will not be pressured! I don’t even smoke!” It is time like this that he so crazy I cannot take him any of the more. At one time I pull my knife and say “Howard. We are going to Maritania!” but he pull knife too and threaten to kill Seamus the camel. This cruelty to helpless animal is no fair on Islam, so I must give up. I get out mat and pray and he face other direction and pray too. He pray to devil god.

That night I go home and lay myself to sleep in tears. In this morning, he wake me up before the sun with him screaming. He sayed: “Amman! You taked my showerhead!” I sayed “No! it was not me!” He sayed; “Yes, you liar! Only you would have it taken!” and he goes with it on and on and on: My water is spraying, you taked it! Where is it! Give me head! I was still in sleeping and didn’t know what he was to say. Finally I gived him head but it was not his showerhead, it was mine.

Of course it will not work because I cut it off hose, but with Howard he does not know these things. I am filled with fear that he will come back soon to do something that is like a freak would do. I am afraid he may try to cut off MY head.

Please help,

Filed under Howard Wayword


Blogger joe said...

you must save howard! or save Amman!

8:37 p.m.  
Blogger Adorable Girlfriend said...

Save the Whales.

8:54 p.m.  
Blogger Man said...

it's like a movie. is this for real? u gotta try communicating with Howard. He needs help.

I couldnt believe still...

1:44 a.m.  

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