Tuesday, January 04, 2005

No Fun at Home, Fidgeting and Gnashing

I'm stranded at home right now on one of those days where you do little things and mostly wait for other people, organize tasks and worry about things. I drove my father to go get the car fixed, filled out insurance forms and drank coffee. There's nothing in particular that I'm worrying about except my future.

Yesterday I wrote the essay for my application to yet another PR program in Niagara. I'm not happy with the one I'm in and although applying for another one because it's post-grad as opposed to just a college diploma and because it's one year (even though by the time I start it this one will already be wasted and I'll finish at the same time) and because I could get away from my least favorite teacher once and for all, it doesn't make any sense to my parents or me really, but I'm doing it anyways.

I feel like a headless something. I don't know why I'm doing anything anymore except I just know that I have to do something and everything that I'm forced to do instead of choosing to do is a result of me not previously having done something important, so I'm trying to avoid that. It's holidays and I'm out of the loop and I'm dreading going back to school but I would dread being unproductive and not going back and I don't want Johnny to leave and I'm nervously calling temp agencies for job opportunities even though I already have a job. Should I be trying something else? Yoga?

Look at me. I'm very angry and snappy as of late and it must have something to do with me not sleeping. No matter how much work I do or tasks I accomplish it never seems to be enough and I feel like I'm just sinking in confusion and waste. It's like my neck. Johnny gives me infinite greif about standing up straight but I just can't seem to get in the habit and even though I went to the chiropractor and all I just keep slipping. She says that when I stand up straight it adds inches and I'm well aware that chiro treatments adds "years to your life and life to your years" but somehow I can't keep up in maintenance or structure what my body quickly destroys.

I stopped going to the chiropractor because I couldn't wake up or I spent too much money or because I just started to feel doubt and now it seems like hell to get all the bills sorted out and make the professional realise I don't care for the services if they're not going to magically and instantaneously fix me.

Today I will wait for my parents to have errands to run and then I will act as their chauffer. Maybe I will nap to shut myself up. Tonight I will go to friends of the family for dinner and talk about how nothing seems to be working out. This friend, who is like a godfather to me and has always inspired me and has always looked out for me, had given me a contact at the beginning of the year through whom I could have found out a bit more about PR. Unfortunately, I called him, found that he never answered and left him a message, but he never phoned back. I think in the message I remember saying something like "I know you're very busy but..." which now seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anyways, apparently the fellow is unaware of me ever calling and that bugs me. Another example of how I failed because I didn't persist. And tonight we'll talk about more things that I should have done and could have done and all that stuff that is all well for children when they're sleeping and the bells are tolling and Jimmy is cracking his corn but is just such a drain in real life and just such a downer that seems to reoccur when you are least pleased with it.

Well, I'm sure that this is really perversely good for me that I feel like crap right now and I can't figure out if my life is completely derailed or just starting to locomote. When the glass is half empty the glass is also almost more than half full. At least I have another week or so to decompress. I had a lovely Afgani dinner at Yusuf and Scott's yesterday with Johnny. We watched Pingu the penguin and tried to decipher baby penguin language. That was nice but what is my plan for the rest of the week? Johnny and I still have to go to Mennotown in St.Jacobs. If I could plan...

It doesn't help much that my work doesn't even know yet whether or not I work tomorrow and seems to expect employees to just come in spontaneously when they feel like it. How about I never come in? But having them not even give me my schedule more than a day in advance just gives me one more reason to be angry and apparently I like that right now. Although, it's getting tired and so am I. Here's to napping and killing two birds with one stone.


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