Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Things People Hate

We had an entertaining assignment to do which involved choosing something that you really hate, then delivering a speech pretending you love it. It was a bit of a challenge because it forced us to argue against our own genuine beliefs, but so many of the presentations were hilarious. The sarcasm was so thick you could smell it.

People wrote about how they "love" their mother-in-laws, gas-guzzling hummers, spiders, mean people, bad tippers and debt. I wrote about my "love" of fighting. How I basically like to stir things up whenever the opportunity presents itself. So I put on my macho mask. Do you gotta problem with that? No? Good. Then enjoy:

This is why I love to fight:

I think it’s funny

I like to see others suffer

I like to prove how tough I am

People ask me why I’m so wound up all the time. It’s because I’m looking for a good fight. I don’t care who you are or who you think you are. If you’re in my area, you’re looking for a fight. If I don’t like your attitude, or if you look at me the wrong way, I’ll wait for the perfect moment, then do something dirty like kick you in the groin, or hit you over the head with my 40 ounce. Do you think you’re tough? Well, nobody is tougher than me, so you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

There’s nothing that makes me feel more alive than hitting someone with a solid punch. I like to watch them as they cascade through the air like a waterfall and smack down on the ground. There is nothing more graceful. I also enjoy the pre-fight aggression. You go up and stare someone in the face, or push your chest out at them. Or you can go up to a couple, and blatantly start flirting with a guy’s girl saying “you’re not with that dude are you? That dude looks like he rolled out of an alley. He looks like a bum. You don’t want to go home with that guy do you?” If he isn’t a sissy, he’ll probably start a fight with you. If he doesn’t you can go up to him and pour your drink on him. If he doesn’t wanna fight, you’ll at least have some bouncers to fight with, and that’s way more exciting anyways. The best trick with bouncers is to remain calm until they surround you, then pull a Matrix on them and go buck wild in every direction.

I like to intimidate people. My favorite wrestler is the Rock and he is the king of intimidation. No one can take the Rock. He’ll give you a stone cold glare with that eye of his, and if you give him any trouble, he’ll take you by the chest and slam you down hard with a rock bottom, my favorite move. Sometimes it knocks the wind out of you, but it will do a lot more to the other person. Are you ready for the Rock Bottom? How about a windmill or a nose breaker? Yeah, taste the blood.

There’s no good reason why I fight except that I like it. It’s an adrenaline rush. If you ask me, you’re not a man unless you fight. That’s how it’s always been. Real women don’t want suckers, they want a man who will go to war if he has to. How are you supposed to have a strong country unless you act strong? To make myself feel strong, I’ve created my own mantra. It goes like this, watch out:
"I represent 100% to fullest extend, I’ll make a dent in your face so watch your space unless you wanna get erased or displaced I’ll spray your eyes with some mace, you better turn right around and save yourself your last grace."

So why am I so wound up? I’m not wound up. I’m just looking for a good fight. I was born to kill, and I love to do it. That’s why I love to fight.

In real life I'm not a fighter. My ancestors were sometimes looked down on by the belligerent type because they were pacifist. During the war, Canadians applied to the government to get conscientious objector status so that they didn't have to fight. My grandfather was exempted from the war because he was needed on the farm, and my other grandfather broke his wrist which might have saved his life, because he got out of the war. Fights usually leave both parties in worser conditions than they were to start, so I see little point other than proving one's dominance in a very archaic fashion.

I "love" judgemental people, mushrooms, neck pain, having to clean, loud radios in the morning, dealing with telemarketers, getting lost and being late.

Maybe you love the sound of chainsaws or the smell of horse maneur. Maybe you love going to your proctologist, or having your new car painted bright pink.

What do you "love"?


Blogger Lorena said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:14 p.m.  
Blogger Lorena said...

what a cool assignment.
I "love" liars. especially the creative ones, i don't care too much for those who don't put any thought to it, how insulting.
i also "love" people who b.s. and especially "love" competitive people. those that like to measure themselves up against someone else to make themselves feel better. i also "love" bullys (spelling looks wrong)

you defintely sounded convincing in your writing. nice story about your relatives. make love, not war is my motto.

still haven't finished reading the prev post but i just wanted to say that I LOVE MANGOS. delicious. i never knew people didn't know about them. take care :)

5:15 p.m.  
Anonymous Nicole said...

I "love" people who don't take responsibility for themselves. They rock. It's always someone else's fault, of course.

(Drives me nuts, actually).

What I really love is the smell of rain on hot concrete on summer's day. Seriously.

11:34 a.m.  
Blogger Chloe said...

i "love" disappearing acts. Friends who vanish from my life without an excuse. Such fun. I also "love" cowards, oh and people who know everything. Because that way, i don't need my encyclopaedia.
And i really love the rain.

7:17 p.m.  

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