Saturday, March 19, 2005

Howard Makes Ice Cream

Howard's long, lanky body stoops over a bowl of his own meticulously prepared, all Howardian Goat milk and maple ice cream. He is caught in the action of furiously spooning out the melting liquid. He greedily smiles and looks up excitedly at me: a sure sign that the mixing process has been successful.

"I'm telling them about you stuffing your face Howard!" "MMM!!" He slirps/coughs out some ice cream. "Now why'd you go an' do that you twit!" "Oh be nice! Tell them your secret!" Howard keeps one eye glued to me and finishes his bowl in detail, like an edgy fox at the waterhole. "I'll tell them what it is." The way he puts down his bowl reminds me of the judge's gavel, his face becoming stern with decision. "That's simple. Give me the blasted keyboard."

WHAT YOU SIMPLY MUST DO IN ORDER, IS: (and children, do not try this at home)
TAP THE CANADIAN MAPLE TO DRAW ONE OF THE MANY ESSENCES OF LIFE: SAP. BOIL IT INTO A NICE BROWN SYRUP.

MILK ONE FEMALE GOAT, DRAWING SEVERAL LITRES OF MILK, IF THE GOAT IS WILLING. IF NOT, UP TO ONE LITRE AND NO MORE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOATS.

HAVE SOMEONE MIX THESE INGREDIENTS FURIOUSLY, WHILE THE ELDEBERRY, OR OTHER SMALL WILD FRUITS ARE ADDED BY MEANS OF DROPPING THEM, ONE BY ONE, FROM A FAIR DISTANCE, BY SOMEONE WHO CAN AIM.

THEN THEY SHALL BE WHIPPED UP IN THE MAELSTROM WITH A SILVER SPOON. HOWEVER, DO USE DISCRETION IN CHOOSING THESE FRUITS, FOR THE WRONG FRUIT CAN LEAD ITS WAY TO WICKEDNESS. ICE CREAM IS PARTICULARLY VULNERABLE TO UPSETS. FOR THIS REASON, NO FRUIT CAN SAFELY BE RECOMMENDED. THE ONLY SOLUTION IS SIMPLY NOT TO INCLUDE FRUIT. SIMPLY USE MAPLE SYRUP, AND MUCH OF IT. THE SUGARS ARE IMPORTANT. YOU MAY ADD STRAWBERRIES LATER, IF YOU MUST.

THE NECESSARY WAY TO CATALYZE THE ENTIRE PROCESS IS TO HAVE SOMEONE POUR THE LIQUID NITROGEN OVER TOP OF THE CREAMING MIXTURE. IT WILL THEN BECOME MORE DIFFICULT TO STIR AS IT FREEZES, BUT THIS IS PRECISELY THE TIME WHEN THE STIRRER MUST SPEED UP. IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT THE STIRRER HAS NOT BEEN APPOINTED SIMPLY OUT OF CONVENIENCE, OR NEGLIGENCE OR DRUNKENESS OR VICE OR BECAUSE THEY ARE HUNGRY, OR BECAUSE THEY ARE A FRIEND OR AFFILIATE TO SOME UNRELATED INTEREST GROUP. IF ANY OF THESE THINGS BE THE CASE, THEY SHALL HAVE NO PART IN THE STIRRING, UNLESS THEY ARE TRULY ANXIOUS TO STIR, TO THE POINT THAT THEY CANNOT HUMANLY FAIL AT STIRRING, BECAUSE IT IS SO SINGULARLY THEIR INTEREST TO STIR. THEN YOU MUST GIVE IN.

ADD VANILLA EXTRACT AND PLACE IN THE FREEZER FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES. AT THIS POINT IT WILL SETTLE ITSELF DOWN, ACCEPT THAT IT IS ICE CREAM, AND BECOME MORE EN MODE FOR INGESTION, LIBERALLY SPEAKING.

WHEN IT IS SERVED AND THE GOAT HAS BEEN WILLING, I ALWAYS THOROUGLY ENJOY EXTRA GOAT MILK TRICKLED OVER THE ICE CREAM, BUNCHED IN ROUND SCOOPS AND DECORATED WITH A MINT LEAF. HOWEVER, IF THE GOAT HAS NOT BEEN WILLING, THE ICE CREAM SCOOPS MAY STILL BE NICELY SHAPED, AND THE MINT LEAF EVER-PRESENT.

IT IS MY RECOMMENDATION THAT YOU STRICTLY REPLICATE THIS METHOD AND DO NOT FOOLISHLY DEVIATE FROM MY WAYS, UNLESS YOU ARE VERY BOLD. IT HAS TAKEN DETERMINATION, BUT MOSTLY, CREATING ICE CREAM HAS MERELY BEEN AN EXERCISE OF ACCESSING MY DESIRE FOR BOTH THE CHEMO AND THE THERMO SIDES OF TASTE.

THE "TASTE" (IF YOU WILL CALL IT THAT, EVEN THOUGH IT REFERS TO MUCH MORE THAN JUST THE TASTE BUDS) IS SOMETHING THAT HAS MADE ME PROUD TO BE A WAYWORD, FOR I DON'T IMAGINE I'D HAVE STUMBLED ACROSS THIS ICE CREAMING METHOD, WERE IT NOT IN SOME EXPERIMENTAL WAY. IT IS THROUGH THE DEVELOPMENT OF SOME TRADITION AND ALTERNATIVE METHODS, STUDY, CONCENTRATION AND THE HELP AND RESOURCES OF MY BROTHER HENRICK, WHO HAS A MAPLE FARM AT AN UNDISCLOSED REGION IN ONTARIO THAT I WAS ABLE TO BEGIN LIVING THIS DREAM.

WE WERE JUST HARVESTING THE SAVED BOTTLES OF MAPLE SYRUP FROM NOVEMBER WHEN THE TREES WERE FULL, AND THEIR BARK COLD. LUCKILY MY ICE CREAM HAS BEEN CONSISTENT NOW SINCE 1999. LOOK FOR IT IN YOUR STORES:
All Howardian Goat Milk and Maple Ice Cream

Now Howard has handed me back the keyboard. He tips his hat and says "Well, that's all there is to it. Anyhow, I'm off to bed." (Howard has a guest room upstairs that he comes to use about once every few months, just as an emergency thing, so that he doesn't have to worry about accomodations when he's just breezing through the province). Now I want some ice cream though. I'll have to stop him. "So if you made a big batch of it, where did you store all the rest of the ice cream, Howard?"


Filed under Howard Wayword

3 Comments:

Blogger The Lioness said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:15 AM  
Blogger Savtadotty said...

That ice cream sounds like it needs one more ingredient: a dash of Soul of Howard.

12:41 PM  
Blogger sirbarrett said...

Yeah, Howard needs to find his soul. He hasn't really been himself lately. He just left the other day saying "I've got something I've got to do" which was mysterious and troubling, because he usually tells me everything. I'll remind him that he has fans and make sure he keeps in touch.

8:36 PM  

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