Saturday, October 16, 2004

Hi I'm Howard

Hi I'm Howard.
I don't like 'Howie' or anything shortened. I tell people all the time that it's not feasible to shorten words like cellular to "cell" or excitement to "hype". I wouldn't do it and I don't understand why some people might do it but it's just not something I'm really into so please don't. It's rude. Just call me Howard. I have an appreciation for honesty and direct communication. Liars shouldn't have their own space to take up and be secretive and deceiving. You know they're just thinking of ways to lie to you again. I'm a very progressive individual so I wouldn't suggest cutting a persons tongue off for lying because I'm very tolerant. Even though I hate bad people, I know that I'm so much superior to them, and they are really very desperate, so I don't even look at them. When accidentally see someone who is acting stupidly on the street or something like that I go over to them, I embrace them firmly with discipline, and I say to them: "Howard wants to have a talk with you" then I tell them that they are a very negative influence as a person because I want them to know what they are doing to the community and they often become more ignorant, and sometimes they are a lost cause. I just think that we should find a way to make them voluntarily confess that they are not being forthright once they figure out their game is up and deprive them of our oxygen, because if you're lying, you're not promoting a proper life. It isn't right to have criminals running around stealing paintings and things like this thinking that they've gotten away with it, because they haven't, they just haven't been caught yet. We have to set examples. Part of what I call "Howardianism" is that you be the best. I'm not really into people being anything but 100% around me all the time because I deserve respect. Like, if you are a couple minutes late for work it's because you are the one that knew that you could have brushed your teeth, put on your socks and made sure you had the right tie on at 7:43am for that day before you stepped out the door. I don't care if your garborator was clogged and you were worried about the flushing the puréed vegetables, they should have been put in a ziplock bag and safely secured in some compartment of your fridge. I work with a tight team that I expect to stay that way and I don't accept anything less. It's about efficiency. Howard Sr, was deeply connected to the clock and I think it's just something that's passed down in your blood. If you don't have it, you better find a job that you can do out of your home. It's as simple as that. If anyone ever asks me I just tell them. I was telling a fellow just the other day (he's a man who is as we might say "on an erring path" and one who does things that force me to suppress my external expressions so that I do not shake my head in public): "you know George, you really need to get to know the time of your own watch. Every day you have the opportunity to change the time of the hands and make them say the time that YOU know it is. If you know what time you're working with, you're in one hell of a lot better place to adjust it five minutes this way or that to be in synchronicity with everyone else, and then you stick to your watches time, simple as that." You stick to the time and make your appointments. George is a bishop and one inclined to indulgent megalomanianic fantasies that he is in touch with God and that sort of thing but I know that a man cannot be in touch with God unless he is in touch with the right time. I apolgized for swearing because after all, I was in the presence of a man who's profession has to do with directing people towards heaven rather then the aforementioned, and he is not sophisticated enough to understand my manner of speech, but I also made it clear to him that whether he was in the church or on his way to get a baguette God knows whether or not he's on time. I think he appreciated having someone showing him he's not fooling anyone by making a show of innocence. It's not innocence, it's neglect. Everyone has a bit of a different time, but for me my day starts at 6:00am on my watch, which isn't off at all. Part of what is really unacceptable about our situation right now is that many people don't have a proper understanding of respect. The nation still operates as if it expects us to work cooperatively with these people that have no worth to us. I just don't think I should have to pay for what I don't need. I can't afford to have liars, criminals or tardy people around me. I can't be disturbed by people with bad taste either. It's very disgusting when you have made an occassion to drink a President's Choice product, and someone beside you is speaking louder than he needs to to converse with his companions about a sport that's already out of season or drinking a domestic beer other than Canadian. I like coffee. I only go to the Planet Bean for coffee because they have a specific system for the way they roast the beans and make their coffee. It's not a luck of the draw kind of thing. They are serious about the way they make coffee and I don't take that kind of thing for granted. It shouldn't be. I hate Budweiser. It's not a good beer. You can put it on a coaster and while it's sitting on your dresser in a dimmed light it might look like any number of other beers but it still won't be a good beer when you taste it. Dogs are very instinctive creatures and though I didn't overreact at the fact of nature, I've seen one urinate on an inflatable Budweiser beer cooler. It didn't even have to see the beer itself, it spotted the poor merchandising. It's because these animals at least have a sense of taste. Even the icon is very distasteful. The font of the lettering and the idea of Budweiser with it's silly name are an obvious giveaway that the drink shouldn't be used for anything other than to wash the mouths of peasants and liars. Most peoples minds are so diluted from the filth they make themselves believe that they don't even have the skill to find out that in the original planning of the Budweiser name, they excluded a large portion of the actual name "Budweisereisenheimer" to make it more accomodating for young, uneducated people to consume and abuse alcohol because they could easily pronounce the name, unlike the name "Coors" or the old "Budweisereisenheimer". Some youths just want to become so recklessly inebriated that they won't even take the time to ask for anything with more than one syllable, and so they've further shortened Budweiser to "Bud". This fact makes my skin cringe but since I cannot always be on guard at all the pubs simultaneously, I've hired some police that were willing to take out anyone who even looks suspicious for a bribe. I'm really doing the next generation a favour. As a result of easily pronounceable names like "Bud" we have more young mothers getting pregnant under the influence of this second-rate drink and their babies will probably be more inclined to drink Budweiser themselves and thus repeat the nuissance of hearing about it. In an attempt to make it "cool" they betray the proper conduct that civilized people would use out of a sense of respect for grammar and pretend that an insufficient name is a complete word. That's deceptive. I would attribute the vomit and hangovers of most drinkers to Budweisereisenheimer even if it wasn't what they drank to get into their condition. Now I have been quite lengthy in this introduction of myself. Since I scheduled the block of time that it would take to do this beforehand I'm in no danger of becoming disorganized like irresponsible people do. I end here because I still have to lock my windows and get into the feeling of relaxation before I go to bed. At least you had this opportunity to meet me and make a first impression. I don't know if I can expect you'll read me ongoingly since I'm not one to judge the rigour of your character just yet, but all in good time my friend. Have a pleasant sleep,
Sincerely,
Howard

Filed under Howard Wayword

1 Comments:

Blogger squarepeg said...

This truly made me bellow with laughter -- funniest thing I've read in a very long time.
"Dogs are very instinctive creatures and though I didn't overreact at the fact of nature, I've seen one urinate on an inflatable Budweiser beer cooler. It didn't even have to see the beer itself, it spotted the poor merchandising. It's because these animals at least have a sense of taste. Even the icon is very distasteful."
'Howard', you and that plastic pole up your butt are priceless!

1:46 AM  

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