Strange Dreams and Evil Queens

I think my body is signalling me of physiological changes in my sleep. I've had dreams lately of being physically ruined and then waking up so relieved I hug myself. I've had dreams of chipped teeth, of losing hair, of amputations, all gruesome and initiative of mental frenzy. I haven't looked at a dream dictionary but those are always so vague anyways I feel no loss.

First I shall explain that my friend Yusuf has dabbled in witchcraft before so I think my memory was playing on a recent impression from a conversation we've had and perhaps the experience of almost choking on the fumes of a photograph that I refused to partake in burning as part of a black magic ceremony. Black magic is bad because everything you wish negatively of someone comes back to you threefold. So I've heard. So if you're considering dabbling in the black magic, beware. He's read my tarrot cards and we used to have seances with ouija boards that we'd make in the summer for fun. I never took it too seriously but I found it amusing once when a ghost named "Hek" told me to fuck off because I asked him how he commited suicide. Touchy subject, I guess.

Last night I dreamt that I got a cut on my hands. Yusuf's sister (who I've never met) put a curse on me and what resulted was that my hands dried up and the holes enlargened. I could actually peer inside my hands to realize that they had hollowed out. I looked in the holes on my wrists and hands to see what looked like cardboard and dry white tendons. It was very disgusting. I became hysteric and wondered what the hell was going on. Later in the dream though, the holes sealed up and looked like the hole I have in my arm from a nail that entred accidentally in real life. It is but a small pink dot of a scar. Perhaps this is simply a dream about my healing.

The next dream was unrelated but shocked me similarly. I felt deeply threatened by the two men standing in front of me in a driveway. I felt that one was dangerous and malicious while the other was nice and unimposing although he could get me in trouble with what he knew and somehow he had allegiance to the other fat dangerous man. My quick solution was to punch them both in the head and knock them out. In dreams I always panick and my hands don't move as fast as I want them to. The strike was in slow motion, but somehow I managed to knock one out then extinguish the surprised face of the other just as he noticed my treachery. The next thing I did was pick the bodies up on my back and carry them like a fireman would off to a park. I had to hide them under a tree. As I was walking I was thinking and worrying that I didn't have any paper. I wanted to write "I'm sorry" and put it in the pocket of the man I felt was weak and merely a victim of the circumstances. For some reason, I felt like neither of them could know whatever it was I was keeping secret. The weak man started waking and I felt like a brute as I beat him again and again in fear to make him unconscious. The dream ended before I had a chance to make my note of apology. Well, I'm sorry but you are just a figment of my imagination so let's call it even.

This has made me think of the debate Freud initiated about the unconscious and dreams being ego-driven. In our dreams we can act out things we never would in real life but not feel the pangs of regret because there's an argument that our super-ego or our better sense is impaired. However, I even thought I was being less than human (the idea of humans as sacred is also argued against in "The Fall of Adam") in my dream and I regretted what I did. Perhaps I was still rewarding my ego by acting out regret thinking: "oh, aren't I an ethical man? I have to beat people out of necessity but poor me, I feel bad about it." Perhaps that attitude gratifies my ego while the actions serve the purposes of the id. I can only speculate. This is what is unclear about humanity: are we inherently altruistic or anomic? Is there even an inherent human trait? I don't know. I'm excited though that my dreams are starting to give me such excitement and horror again these days. I will try to track them more closely.