Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Being Broke(n)

After a weekend of plenty, a lifetime of indulgence and recklessness, I discover I'm in poverty. I had the unfortunate opportunity to learn a lesson: a cop caught me speeding and gave me a hefty fine, plus an extra one for not lowering my high beams fast enough. I've added up the bills that I owe, and I'm in trouble.

The best advice I can tell myself is: STAY CALM! but it's hard to get myself to stop pacing and I keep wondering how I'm going to dig myself out of here. On the other hand, I know I will. I have faith. I've applied for jobs and heard back from one, which will keep me employed after my current contract ends. I got hired today! It's tricky going to school and working. I always find myself doing more work than I'm paid for, but I guess them's the hard knocks.

I should be happy considering all the suffering around me, this year especially. I should feel like I fit in, being human and vulnerable like everyone else. I should feel like I belong, knowing that the one thing we all have is suffering, but I feel lonely. I feel overwhelmed by my program, and I've been thinking about someone again lately. The world can be sad, but many have it worse than me.

My friend Kaz, who just got married, has to go back to Japan for 7 months before he can get his VISA to work here, so he'll be separated from his wife. My old housemate's boyfriend was run over by a salt tanker two weeks ago. He was in critical condition but now seems to be stabilizing with a broken leg. My other friend got kicked out of his house after a violent split and has been couch-surfing for weeks while he continues working and looking for a home, and my neighbour, who just last year was a basketball star at his high school with a car and a cute girlfriend, has bone cancer which has moved to his lungs, like Terry Fox's did. His father was hopeful that he would get better, but we know what happened to Terry Fox.

I'm trying to take things one at a time. I've sent off cheques for some of the things I owe, but I have to wait until they take a bite out of my account before I know how much is left, and how to live accordingly. I've thought of trying to get a loan, but debt is not pretty. I've thought of borrowing money, but I have no friends that have it.

On the upside, this has forced me to rethink my entire lifestyle. I like to work hard and play hard, but now I'll have to work harder and not play. Frankly, I play too much and I know this is my fault. This is my chance to get rid of my vices and poor organization. No more binge smoking, trips, or shopping sprees. No operas. No new dress shoes. No new equipment. I must focus all my energies now on being healthy and fit to deal with my situation, but I'm so thankful that I AM relatively healthy and alive. My grandfather always told me (the one that was run over by a tractor who now walks with a cane): "if you aren't healthy, you aren't good to anybody. Take care of yourself, and you can do something!" I've had so many accidents before, it can be surprising. Work and no play might turn me into a very boring boy, but I can't fathom the alternative.

I must stay calm, and begin to repair things.

"Welcome to the realm of consequence" -anonymous


Anonymous Nicole said...

Hm, no real advice, and don't want to come across as a know it all ass (although, for the large part, I am).

Consolidate if you can.

Working and going to school sucks, however I have found that it makes for excellent time management skills.


10:07 p.m.  
Blogger joe said...

working and school is hard. good luck! I took a student loan and that sucks, but it helped. but then tuition was way cheaper back then. anyway, as a friend said once, there'll be better days. just hang in there and work hard.

11:29 p.m.  
Blogger Udge said...

No operas? *faints, head bounces on floor*

Cause and effect can be a real bitch :-) but you seem to be taking it well. This too will pass.

12:22 p.m.  

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