Monday, October 18, 2004

cigarette abannoning process log: day 1

I've smoked since I was in grade seven. It wasn't regular at first. My friend Jeff and I would wait for hours and humiliate ourselves as punk teenagers asking and getting turned down by elders at the convenience store as we loitered and asked for someone to buy us smokes. We would find it annoying to have people treat us like pricks and then come back out of the store puffing. "Fucking hypocrites" we thought. Speaking of which, I'm terrible, can someone tell me who Silent Bob's side kick is? We were kind of like those guys but younger. Now that I'm 23 and I was a smoker until yesterday but now I have a different outlook on things. I wouldn't buy kids cigarettes not because of the legal ramifications (I mean, who's ever heard of someone being arrested for buying minors smokes?) just because I saw myself as the teenager and I always wondered, if it was just a little bit harder for me to get cigarettes would I smoke them? There must have been some cut off point that made it worth it. Smoking was good to me. I know it's a dirty dirty habit but I'm not going to knock it now just because I think I've quit. I'm just making a personal decision. Yesterday I smoked all my cigarettes then I was sitting in the Jimmy Jazz in Guelph listening to some tunes on the open-mic, just like old times when I'd go and play a couple of my tunes myself. Drinking beer and blowing out milky wisps was one of the highlights of the Jimmy Jazz, because smoking illegally was always at least tolerated. Now it's relegated to the patio where the heaters are warm but not all-encompassing. So I bummed a few off my friend Yusuf, who played kind of the conductor, coordinating us for cigarettes and moving us as one train in and out, towards the music, and away from it. After mine ran out I just didn't want to buy any more. I feel too routine driven lately, as if all the days of my life are measured by the same habits and things I do out of boredom or for a mental break. Isn't my mind active enough that it shouldn't need a break? Right now I'm writing because I like writing but also because everyone needs to have something to replace their habits with another thing that they like to do. I'm one who believes that nothing is destroyed until it is replaced. That's why I started jogging, but for some reason I smoked anyways once I'd cool down from the shower. So far I feel like I've decided not to smoke anymore or at least not buy cigarettes. It feels oh so quite new. My teeth are yellow and for the first time I've thought of the idea that they could whiten again so that when I smiled the sun would shine just a little bit brighter (if I just stop drinking so much damn coffee as well, but coffee's acceptable). I got Crest Night Effects and felt like a painter of magic as I applied the gunky white stuff to my teeth last night to coat them while I dreamed. If I could quit smoking I think I would be less compulsive in general. There's some idea in psychology, I don't know if it has a name but it describes the technique of visualizing positive images of yourself. The images I have right now are meagre but they include not coughing, whiter teeth, better breath (if you can visualize that) and a clearer mind. Through the ages and I think today especially smokers are treated as if they are mentally diseased. I don't believe it but I can see a valid point hiding in the notion somewhere. I always use it as an incentive and it has that way of seeming like a good in-between activity for almost anything. However, I'd rather feel rewarded for writing a new song for example by singing that new song, not going for a smoke. So here's hoping that I can change my tune.

2 Comments:

Blogger The Lioness said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:53 PM  
Blogger acliff said...

i want to know what the lioness has been saying...

9:53 PM  

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