Friday, January 06, 2006

Freedom vs Sustainability: My Search for an Acceptable Life

Job-hunting, job-schmunting. That's what I've been doing the last couple days: trying to get either a part-time job to keep me going through school or a full-time job when I'm finished in April. It's a full time job in and of itself.

I have a sample coverletter that basically says what I want to say, but then every time I apply for a job, I feel like I have better chances if I change it. Sometimes I have to translate it into French, or into motivational speak, or into succinct, depending on the person at the other end of the computer who I'm trying to size up. It's like diversifying my bonds, or not putting all my chips in one bet. I don't want to bank it all on one approach.

These holidays have really been dragging. The weather is a mind-f--k. I'm finally going back to school on Monday. It's kind of an identity-assault in a way, not to have a routine, because it feels so disorienting not to be doing anything, not even working.

See, I had four part-time jobs last semester: being a security guard, sampling food, working as a campus intern promo guy and selling cell phones as part of a pre-Christmas launch. I was rushing around, printing out posters, going to meetings, figuring out the next deadline, trying to reel people in on deals. Those jobs are all gone now or on hold. Now, it's like there aren't any deadlines except a very natural deadline. Drawing nudes and sleeping in are very nice and all, but internally, I have this sense that it's my life that has a deadline, and I always feel behind in every stage. I would never be able to afford to have children, or my own car, or my own house at this point: the modern day hunter-gatherer essentials. Emotionally, I can't afford to fall in love or to have really close relationships yet because showing that you care means spending time, effort, and money. Am I warped or does EVERYTHING COST MONEY!! Maybe I'm just the only one who's surprised.

Call me a dog in the manger, but it boggles my mind that right as I'm finishing school, the Liberals propose more money to education. Nevermind that tuition costs are astronomical (and there are other costs) but now, as if it's a whole new idea, Martin comes to my town and tells us that he'll give $3000 for tuition to every college and university student in their first and last year of school (if he gets re-elected). That's crazy! I mean, uh, that's great! How much will that cost an already highly taxed country in tax money to finance the agenda of a Prime minister that gave millions of dollars of our money to Liberal-friendly agencies in the past?

Anyway, so commitments are tough. I'm worried that Ariel Sharon's commitments won't have time to be carried out in the Middle East now because he just had another major stroke. I'm worried the WHO's commitments to alleviating the AIDS epidemic in Africa might be short-sighted: focusing on antireteroviral drugs instead of more investment in infrastructure, and education and prevention programs (not that I don't think access to treatment isn't a big part of the problem). Sometimes fixing the problem is the problem because the opportunity costs are so high. Commitments can hold you back because they're a sacrifice of freedom. The biggest commitment I've made in the last week has been to say I'll start practicing with a group of musicians, one of which gave me two songs to practice on my own. That I'm happy about though. It's good to have some commitments, but this semester my focus is on not biting off more than I can chew.

So I'm hoping someone somewhere somehow will give me a decent job, because I'm getting tired of finding multiple ones just to satisfy my basic needs. This untrustable world is nobody's fault but our own, I suppose, because we want flexibility as a culture. Look what we do to the environment, then we wonder about the rising cost of living...

Be productive!

6 Comments:

Blogger Chloe said...

I have been in that situation you just described. Waiting for something to happen is hard and emotionally draining as is having to convince others (usually not as worthy as you) of your abilities. But you don't seriously believe you won't get your chance, do you? Because that would be short-sighted. It's so obvious you'll soon be doing so much.
And not everything costs money.
Hugs xx

7:07 PM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

Been there, done that. I know how you feel. Its a bit of an identity-fuck because a large part of your life is ending and a new part beginning. Its draining and overwhelming.

My theory on the job hunt is to apply for everything you're remotely qualified for. If you want help with the cover letters, I'm available (and I write a more than half-decent cover letter).

1:07 PM  
Blogger sirbarrett said...

chloe and nicole -You are wise. I know this isn't a permanent problem, and it's nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's just a small temporary crisis. Chloe you're right that not everything costs money. I have this idiotic habit where I sometimes forget about the important things like health and happiness and how they fit in the picture. I exaggerated. Nicole, I agree with your job-hunting attitude, and I may take up your offer for help. Thanks both of you for the encouragement, support and the hugs. :)

2:47 PM  
Blogger sirbarrett said...

chloe and nicole -You are wise. I know this isn't a permanent problem, and it's nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's just a small temporary crisis. The good news is that I've recieved some responses! Chloe you're right that not everything costs money. I have this idiotic habit where I sometimes forget about the important things like health and happiness and how they fit in the picture. I exaggerated. Nicole, I agree with your job-hunting attitude, and I may take up your offer for help. Thanks both of you for the encouragement, support and the hugs. :)

2:54 PM  
Blogger Carrie said...

just so you know...you'll NEVER have enough money for any of it, unless you strike it rich....but somehow someway, (as my mother always told me) you will manage...and the beginning it is for you, you will find your way, you are VERY YOUNG to be concerned about house, car, children, and such...they'll come, just focus on the tasks at hand and the path will bring the rest. You'll be fine dear.....trust me.....

9:57 AM  
Blogger Lorena said...

not sure what more i can add but that i wish you luck in finding a satisfying job. good luck!

10:53 AM  

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